The Moment It All Changed
One spring morning, after perhaps the most difficult and uncomfortable year of my life, I was quite literally woken up by the sunrise, or what I think back on as my “soulrise”. Light was pouring into my white and silver room (probably the only time I’ve had a room void of color!) making it seem as though I was resting on a cloud. Everything seemed sparkly and shiny. The room suddenly had presence, as though I wasn’t in there alone. I felt overpowered, overwhelmed, energized, and awake, in more ways than one. I was suddenly called to open a book of poems that my mom had given to me years before. I turned to a page which began: “O dreamer, leave thy dreams for joyful waking, O captive, rise and sing for thou art free”. It seemed to be speaking directly to me. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I grabbed other mystical and spiritual books from a variety of traditions that had been gathering dust on my shelf, and each page seemed to find me and provide me with some new truth.
Suddenly everything resonated. I got it. My life seemed genuinely and forever changed in what seemed like a single, significant, shiny flash.
Of course, I couldn’t remain on that sparkly cloud forever, life was waiting. But I took that sense of peace and direction with me, as well as I could, that glimpse into light and wholeness that made change seem somehow possible. Taking care of myself was the first step. I got more sleep, altered my eating habits, took long walks, started doing a bit of yoga, and found a team of healers which helped facilitate a path to physical wellness. And, I listened to my mother. While she had always given me little notes and articles and passages to read with a spiritual message, which I did, they never really sunk in. My physical issues had felt too deeply entrenched, too insurmountable to be affected by what seemed more like wishful thinking. And even more seemingly intractable was that ongoing “existential paralysis”.
But that sunshine-y/soulshine-y morning had shifted everything.
While I made changes to my physical routine and regimen and lifestyle, I also worked on my mind and my heart. I started saying mantras and prayers and visualizing myself as someone who was worthy and capable of being healed. Eventually things began to fall into place. I bought a home, and, yes, I went back to school again. But I found a sense of direction. And my physical issues slowly began to dissipate. After years of gray and darkness and confusion, life and color and joy began to seep back in, filling in the cracks. Creating a foundation I could actually build upon.
And I met my partner, my soul mate.
We had worked together for a few months, but although I thought he was “cute”, I didn’t think he was “my type”. He was a few years younger and in a different scene and finishing up college. But one funny, random night while I was waiting for my roommate to stop spinning records at a club, this guy gave me a goodnight hug which became a goodnight peck which became a soul-stirring life altering kiss as in, as Rumi says: “When soul rises to lips you’ll feel the kiss you’ve wanted”. What I hadn’t known when he was just someone I worked with, was how interesting and funny and smart and driven and aware he was. He’d had plenty of difficulty in his life but he was a warrior. Soon after, we took our imperfect, healing, broken selves and realized we could make a whole. Six months later, I rented out my house, packed my boxes and moved with him to Washington DC to truly start anew.